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An Ode to Spoon

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An Ode to Spoon

I don’t normally troll the Beer Advocate searching out the worst beers imaginable. . .but. . .I noticed a new list the other day simply titled “The Bottom of the List.”  It stands to reason, if beer ratings are indexed in order to determine the finest brews, one can create a list from the bottom up as well.   The Really Nasty Stuff.

Most of the list is the kind of macro brews that you expect beer snobs to hate on:  Miller, Budweiser, Coors, etc.  Like a train wreck, I was unable to turn away and perused the list a little more closely.  And there it was.  Nestled between Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus (?) and Cerveza Caguama. . .Steel Reserve.

I present for your entertainment pleasure, actual quotes from actual drinkers reviewing Spoon’s drink of choice, Steel Reserve:

“Poured from a 24-oz. can into my Terrapin pint glass, which must now be destroyed.  What the fuck.”

“Opened the can and let it breath. Strangely familiar odor…oh yeah, memory of my time working Compton/Watts area comes to mind. “

“You know how beers usually smell better once they’ve left their original container and entered a glass? Imagine the opposite.”

“This is literally the first beverage of any variety that I could smell in the exact instant that the seal of the can was cracked.”

“It smells of alcohol and grains, sort of like hog feed with vodka. “

” Holy Mother of Christ. I am glad I cut my malt liquor teeth on what others esteem as not horrible.”

“Okay, operators and fire extinguishers are now standing by; I am wrapped in a fire-retardant blanket; and the beer is in a glass, shimmering at the top from evaporative fumes.”

“I feel like gargling with turpentine to get the taste out of my mouth.”

“Worst beer I have ever had to go along with the worst hangover the next day”

“Looks and smells as awful as it tastes. Tastes like metal, mold, grease, and gasoline.”

“Why would anyone drink this? Indeed, why did I?”

“It just tastes unnatural, like it wasn’t even brewed, but made by some freaky science designed to kill hobos.”

“I feel like it might dissolve my body from the inside. We’ll see.”

“This is so revolting to me that I am going to have to resort to chugging to get the pain and suffering over with.”

“So you are down to your last few dollars, have a motel room and a girl who would be willing if she were..’convinced’. Steel Reserve High Gravity Lager to the Rescue. “

“This beer tastes a lot like Lake Michigan tastes in Milwaukee after a tremendous rain storm.”

“Don’t drink this shit unless you are nearly broke and need a quick buzz.”

“Tastes like my alcoholic ex-girlfriend’s mouth first thing in the morning after 10 straight booze-soaked hours.”

“The can says 28 days. I don’’t know if that means aged 28 days, less than 28 days old or that they milked an Albanian hobo’s bladder for 28 days to get this stuff. “

“Honestly, I am not sure who drinks this beer and swears by it, but I know that I wouldn’t associate with that person.”

 

 

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The Commissioner

About the Author:

The Authoritative Hammer and recognized Overlord of FFKL.

Discussion

  1. Fighting Cadavers
    Fighting Cadavers  May 8, 2012

    I can’t help but note the judicious use of the word “hobo.”

  2. Pro Trader
    Pro Trader  May 9, 2012

    Great quotes article on the shit you look to…when selling plasma or aluminum cans buys you groceries and a 12-pack.

    “Don’t drink this shit unless you are nearly broke and need a quick buzz.”

    nuff said

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