Spoon Fed…An Article of Squander
10 Rules on How to Lose Your Fantasy League
Welcome. If you are reading this, congratulations, you can read. No really, you are probably approaching fantasy football the way that I do…the wrong way.
Or you are just into reading about the sad thoughts of a great loser. Seriously, I had the famous “0 for ’07” season, where I didn’t win a fantasy game the entire season. Not too many of you can say that, can you? That’s right suck‘as, I rock! Well if you stick with it and continue reading, you already have a better chance at fantasy football than I do, because you are committed. So this should be 11 rules.
This isn’t some kind of baker’s dozen article.
So back to a loser’s approach to fantasy football; reading this and thus approaching fantasy football the wrong way.
Are you like me, trying some weird crappy way to surprise everyone in your league? Hey, if I draft Tim Tebow as my primary quarterback, Vinny Testeverde will get benched or hurt and I will have a great surprise starter. LOL, did you get that joke? Ok, let’s continue down that path of fantasy team failure.
Here are your rules…….10, not 11, bite me.
- Draft/Auction Prep. Draft or auction preparation is important to be successful, at least to have a playoff team that has a chance at a championship. If you make the playoffs but don’t win it all, you still have your balls in the league, and they aren’t being served on an appetizer platter at the next draft or auction. So rule #1 is Prepare for your draft 2 or 3 days prior to your draft or auction. Yep, no earlier, because you might do ok and have a winning team. You know what position players you need for your team, so why waste time on preparation when you could be looking at lickmysweatyathleticcup.com with a tube of Ben-Gay in your hand
- Alcohol & Your Draft/Auction. A drunken team owner at draft/auction is a bad team owner; someone that makes rash or poor decisions, and spends way too much auction salary cap money or drafts a player way too high. It is true, you always want one or two of these guys at your draft or auction, but to lose professionally, rule #2 is Get drunk at your draft or auction, bitches! Even if your draft or auction sucks, you will succeed at this rule and also provide owners in your league with humorous antics that they will talk about for years and years.
- Draft/Auction Key Over-Valued Positions. This rule is important, it can put you in a position late in your draft or auction where you lose big on sleepers, and the in-season players that usually surprise and quietly carry a fantasy team to a championship. This rule #3 is to Pay too much for kickers and defenses/IDP players or draft them in the second round. This rule will set you up nicely to either have very little auction money left, or late round picks available to draft no one of importance. By paying too much or drafting them too soon, you will guarantee 1-5% of your team’s weekly fantasy points. Congratulations. You suck.
- Post Auction/Draft Trades. This rule will allow you to think you are getting 2 for 1 quality players. This rule #4 is Trade your stud, gain 2 duds. Make a trade right after your draft/auction with your top player, thinking that you can get 2 quality players for the price of 1, your stud player. Of course, no one knows yet who the studs and duds are going to be year to year, I mean look at Chris Johnson last year. So go ahead, trade your numero uno for 2 top players, that way you will have twice the chance of having a stud…maybe.
- Weekly Lineup. Here is where you really show everyone how to lose. Rule #5 is Estrogen Rules! Let your emotions play heavily in your lineup decisions. Change your lineup daily or even twice a day. Flip a coin sometimes on one player or another. Go with your favorite jersey color. Go homer with your home team offensive players even if they are playing the Steelers on a rainy day in Pittsburg. This is a key rule, don’t forget it!
- Early-Season Trading. Well I said a previous rule was important, but dammit, this rule is almost as important. Rule #6 is Frequent extreme early season trading will kill your team. This rule is a requirement. You can destroy your current team and your future teams with just a couple of death blows. If you are in a dynasty league, trade future draft picks for week 1 or 2 studs, thus jumping the gun on player mvp’s for guys that finish in the middle or back of the pack for the year’s stats. If you are in an annual draft league, trade a true stud for someone shining early who will finish in the middle or back of the pack. It’s an easy move or moves that can show idiocracy.
- In-Season Add/Drops. Wow, this rule is extremely important too. Dang, I know failure too well, well enough to be an expert on this subject. Rule #7 is Drop your studs, hang your head on duds. Similar to Rule #4, but completely different, so I guess it’s not similar. Ahh, the estrogen shot is working. The studs of weeks 1 and 2 will be the end of season studs. Believe it and you will lose. What? Why do you need more text here? This is easy. Do not stick to your true studs, or guys that are discussed all over the web as having potential. Add/drop for early season stat leaders, and ride into a victorious last-place sunset.
- Smack Attack. This is a verbal rule that thoroughly allows for the ridicule of other coaches even though you lose big annually. Rule #8 is Talk smack, you don’t know jack. If you win a game, bring your verbal game. Talk it up, put yourself in a position to eat crow later when, by following these rules, you start losing big. “Hey guys, no foul, I just had a smack attack.”
- Mid-Season Trades. Ok, you are sitting with a record of 2-6, and you have no chance of getting into the playoffs. TRADE! Rule #9 is Trade big, lose big. You are feeling the pressure to make the playoffs (In your mind), so you check the stat websites, choose your guys, and now it’s time to trade your future away if you already haven’t. Throw away your draft studs or dynasty studs, even future dynasty studs and picks. Trade for a guy that won’t get you into the playoffs, because it is just one player. In your mind though, you have struck fantasy gold! Now go back to Rule #8.
- Off-Season Trades. Yeah, this rule if actually for dynasty leagues, because in a dynasty league, you feel like you actually still have a chance at winning sometime soon. Rule #10 is There is no future like the present, so trade that future like livestock, punk! Take a gamble on a recent stud, or potential stud, based on your loser thoughts. Because hey, “Loser is as loser does.” Trade quality draft picks because, what, there is a 15% chance of that pick turning into an NFL stud?
Well there you go, some rules to lose by, I mean live by. It’s how I roll….into the grease pit of the fryer of fantasy football chicken.