Fear and Loathing in Jacksonville (Ponte Vedra)

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Fear and Loathing in Jacksonville (Ponte Vedra)

“I have never felt comfortable around people who talk about their feeling for Jesus, or any other deity for that matter, because they are usually none too bright … or maybe ‘stupid’ is a better way of saying it; but I have never seen much point in getting heavy with either stupid people or Jesus freaks, just as long as they don’t bother me. In a world as weird and cruel as this one we have made for ourselves, I figure anybody who can find peace and personal happiness without ripping off somebody else deserves to be left alone. They will not inherit the earth, but then neither will I … and I have learned to live, as it were, with the idea that I will never find peace and happiness either. But as long as I know there’s a pretty good chance I can get my hands on either one of them every once in a while, I do the best I can between the high spots.”
Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing at Rolling Stone: The Essential Hunter S. Thompson


Every year we say the auction was “strange” but I cannot recall an auction as weird as this one.  First, there was an amazing number of exceptional players.  Second, there was not a ridiculous amount of salary cap space available which lead to more financial prudence.  Finally, and perhaps most surprising, the majority of the league emerged as legitimate playoff contenders.

After such a strange and savage 2012 FFKL auction, there was only one way to break it down:  Hunter Thompson style.

The Ninjas

“A man can live on his wits and his balls for only so long.”
Hunter S. Thompson, The Rum Diary

“For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled.”
Hunter S. Thompson

The Ninjas entered the auction with a mission:  acquire Arian Foster at all costs.  Mission Accomplished.

Arian Foster and Frank Gore make for a pretty strong starting running back corps but depth still looks a little shaky.  That being said, the longer MJD holds out, the better the running back situation looks with Rashad Jennings lurking on the taxi squad.  The receiving corps is top flight with a projected starting line up of  AJ Green, Julio Jones and plenty of legitimate options for WR3.

The glaring weakness is the failure to land a backup QB.  The Ninjas will suffer if Matt Ryan goes down for an extended period of time but Russell Wilson’s ascension to the top of the Seahawks depth chart could prove the difference if he develops into a serviceable bye week filler.

Outlook:  Playoff Contender

The Orange Whips

“No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride…and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well…maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten.”
― Hunter S. ThompsonFear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn professional.”
― Hunter S. ThompsonFear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72

For what the Whips lack in talent, they make up for in confidence.

Apparently, the Whips labor under the delusion that their giant poo-poo platter of quarterbacks is sufficient.  The Whips have six QB’s (only 2 less than the Getsyburg QB Experience) between the active roster and taxi squad of which only two are NFL starters and only one worthy of a fantasy roster.

I wish I could say the RB situation was any better but counting on an aging Steven Jackson, a broken Rashard Mendenhall and a pussy like Beanie Wells, well, there isn’t much to feel good about.   Two good starting receivers and a pair of TE’s barely worthy of a roster isn’t going to help enough either.

Grade:  Contender (for #1 pick in the rookie draft)

Academic All Americans

“I’m a relatively respectable citizen. Multiple felon perhaps, but certainly not dangerous.”
Hunter S. Thompson

“In a closed society where everybody’s guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.”
Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream

A pretty solid roster across the board with the exception of running back.  Drew Brees and Andy Dalton (despite ginger heritage) should be a very good QB combo.  The starting receiver corps is also pretty good but not great.  The real issue is at running back where  beyond Forte, the RB’s are pretty iffy.  I would not want to count on the Green-Ellis/McGahee group for my RB2.

Grade:  Middle of the Pack


“We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold.”
Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream

“Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas … with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.”
Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Classic G-Funk team with a very strong starting line-up but not nearly as deep as past rosters.  The G-Funk had very little cap space but maximized it usage and hoarded as many WR’s as possible in attempt to land a viable WR3.  Only time will tell if anyone will step up but there are certainly plenty of possibilities.

The lack of a backup QB could be devastating if Brady gets hurt but half the league seems to be in this situation.

Grade:  Playoff Contender

Zoo of Death

 “Jesus man! You don’t look for acid! Acid finds you when *it* thinks you’re ready.”
Hunter S. Thompson

“God’s mercy on you degenerate swine.”
Hunter S. Thompson

Yet another member of the “screw it, we don’t need no stinking back-up QB club.”  The ZoD philosophy is apparently that if Rodgers goes down, ZoD can’t win so why bother?

The ZoD also appear to have a lot of faith in a RB (Green) who barely rushed for 1,000 yards and only scored 7 TD’s.  Will the receiver corps and Rodgers be good enough to overcome a lack of depth and only 1 good RB?

I say no.  The ZoD believe they have a better roster this year and that may be true but I don’t see a contender here.

Grade:  Playoff Contender/Middle of the Pack

 Fighting Cadavers

“Take it from me, there’s nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.”
Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream

“We can’t stop here, this is bat country!”
Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream

The Cadavers will possibly sport the best one-two qb combination in a league bereft of quality QB depth.  The RB situation is dicey but assuming AP is at least 90% of himself should be solid.  A good but not great starting WR corps but very short on depth which could be a problem.

Fortunately, the Cadavers are in the Jim Brown division.

Grade:  Playoff Contender

An Album Cover

 “We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.  Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.”
Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream

The ABC feature a fairly good roster from top to bottom other than the WR position.

QB’s are a bit risky since we really don’t really know how good or healthy Peyton Manning can be over the course of an entire season and Alex Smith is not going to scare anyone.

Running backs look pretty good between the aging Michael Turner, up and coming DeMarco Murray, and a surprisingly consistent Reggie Bush.

The WR position is a borderline disaster with an injury prone Andre Johnson, a wild card in Torry Smith, and absolutely nothing else worth mentioning.  If ABC misses the playoffs, this will probably be why.

Grade:  Playoff Contender/Middle of the Pack


“Any combination of a 250-pound Mexican and LSD-25 is a potentially terminal menace for anything it can reach”
Hunter S. Thompson

“If you’re going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you’re going to be locked up.”
Hunter S. Thompson

Yet another roster devoid of a back up QB other than Christian Ponder who’s parked on the taxi squad.  Depending on Ponder is probably not a good idea.

The RB corp is frisky with potential if some of these guys step up.  Fred Jackson is the only steady presence but someone else could emerge.  Beyond Mike Wallace, nothing to get excited about at WR.

Grade:  Middle of the Pack


 “There was absolutely no choice but to cut her adrift and hope her memory was fucked.”
Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream

“In a closed society where everybody’s guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.” 
― Hunter S. ThompsonFear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream

After an aggressive off-season, the Shawdads have a surprisingly strong roster with potential everywhere.  I would not be willing to trust Philip Rivers as my QB at this point but maybe he returns to form?

Plenty of young talent at the RB spot, and a solid group of WR’s.  Could be the start of a changing of the guard in the Barry Sanders division. . .

Grade:  Playoff Contender

 The Chaches

 “I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.”
Hunter S. Thompson

“A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.”
Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967

Where to begin?  Easily the worst roster in the entire league.  If the Chaches don’t finish dead last I’ll be shocked.

Franchising Cutler was a mistake of epic proportions and crippled the salary cap for a mediocre player who will likely finish the season as an average QB2.

To compound matters, the Chaches invested heavily in MJD who may or may not even play this season.  Frankly, Jennings has played so well I’m not sure if MJD wins his job back even if he does return.

Percy Harvin and DeSean Jackson are pretty good fantasy receivers but there is nothing else on the roster or taxi squad with much hope of improving.

Grade:  Favorite for the #1 overall pick in the 2013 FFKL rookie draft.

There is No Spoon

“There he goes. One of God’s own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.”
Hunter S. Thompson

“It was obvious that he was a man who marched through life to the rhythms of some drum I would never hear.” 
― Hunter S. ThompsonHell’s Angels

As frightening as it is to put in print, Spoon may be the favorite this year.

A solid QB combo (although I’m not sold on either) if you buy that Cam Newton wasn’t a fluke.  Probably the best pair of starting RB’s in the league and an explosive receiving corps.

My God, Spoon is actually good!  He’s come a long way from 0 for 07’.

Grade:  Playoff Contender

Getsyburg Geranimals

“I have no taste for either poverty or honest labor, so writing is the only recourse left for me”
― Hunter S. ThompsonThe Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967

“Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously.”
― Hunter S. Thompson

An ether binge is just about the only rational explanation for what happened to the Geranimals.  The Geranimals crippled their running backs in order to prove some esoteric point and hoard QB’s.  Staring down the barrel of a competent Spoon and a frisky Shawdads franchise probably made this a very bad idea.

Will the Geranimals turn one of their six starting QB’s into a suitable running back?  Frankly, the Geranimals need two if they hope to contend this year and I don’t see it happening.

Grade:  Middle Class/Craziest Auction Over







The Commissioner

About the Author:

The Authoritative Hammer and recognized Overlord of FFKL.


  1. Zoo of Death
    Zoo of Death  August 30, 2012

    It’s a crapshoot this year. Will the league continue if Spoon wins? Might this be. . . the end of FFKL?

  2. Fighting Cadavers
    Fighting Cadavers  August 30, 2012

    Barring some major trades, the Whips and Chaches are the only teams that I would give no chance of winning the championship. Anybody else could do it with a few breaks.

  3. Pro Trader
    Pro Trader  September 4, 2012

    A brilliant literary perspective on The Auction, and realistically a truthful angle on the season.


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